Fitting In

I've been trying to stay positive these last few weeks. And was quite successful until Saturday when I realized the break was over and I had to go back to Logan. I had to go back to a place where even with a boyfriend I felt alone. A place that I've made some friends only to lose them due to marriages or dating someone. A place I complain about and yet still continue to attend school. A place where I've never really fit in because I've always left my heart in Salt Lake. Whether it was with a boy or just my family, it has always been there. But lately, I haven't felt like I fit in in Salt Lake either. I just feel so lost. I hang out with friends but don't feel like part of the group. I was with Trent for so long that it was just always the two of us. Sure we had our friend group that we'd hang out with on occasion. But most of the time, it was just us. And now that he's gone, I don't know what to do. Most of my friends are his friends. Some are the ones I don't feel apart of anymore. Some are all boys and moving on with their lives- dating and actually making new friends at school.

So where does that leave me? Where do I fit in?

I know my last post was about not focusing on the future, but it's so hard when all people do is ask me what my plans are after graduation. I know I said graduating was a good enough plan for me, but it's not. I have no idea where my life is going and I hate it.

People tell me to be happy. To enjoy this last semester. To be outgoing and flirty and meet lots of people. But what is the point? I'll only be here for four more months and then I move back to Salt Lake. But do I become a loser and completely anti-social? Or risk meeting wonderful people only to make it harder in four months? Then what happens after I graduate? I thought I had it planned out perfectly. Graduate and get married and start a whole new chapter in my life. Now I'm only graduating. So I'll move back home with my parents, because I won't be able to afford an apartment. And then I'll start working. And that will be my life. A college graduate, living at home, working every day.

To be honest, I'm scared of that life. As exciting as it will be to graduate, it will still be a big change to have a job and be done with school. And I'm scared of change. At least with the marriage option, I wouldn't be alone to deal with the change. So I guess it all goes back to being alone. Feeling like I don't fit in. And it sucks.

I know I'm being more dramatic than I need to be. I know things will work out. That I really don't need to plan out my life. That I do still have a lot of friends that I fit in with. It's just hard to not feel alone after losing my best friend. Losing that one person that was always there for me.

And I just had to get my feelings out somehow before my mind exploded. So sorry for all the emotional crap I just threw out there. I just needed to vent a little..