Happiness is a Choice

My life is picking up. I've started to change my attitude about everything. Cause what's the point of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself? I'm just making life worse. So here are a few things that I am doing in order to be happier:

*I started going to the gym. It is so sad how out of shape I am. Normally I never had the motivation cause I never wanted to go by myself or always said I never had the time. Well now that my job is up in the air (too long of an explanation.. just know I haven't been working the past two weeks and am not sure when or if I'll go back..) I have plenty of free time. And going alone isn't a good enough reason. So I made myself go one day and I'm so glad I did. I feel so good about myself now.

*I've started making friends up here in Logan. Shocking I know. And all thanks to my friend Liz. If she hadn't decided to come back up to Utah State, I'd probably still be anti-social. But I've started hanging out with her and her roommates and have had tons of fun. Enough fun that I actually want to stay up here on weekends now haha. Didn't think that would happen.. But really. I've done a lot of fun things with them including a white trash dance party and a basketball game. It's been really nice to have friends up here again. I don't feel like such a loser anymore so that definitely makes me happier. All hope is not lost! haha

*I've gone on a couple dates. Granted they have all been with really close friends so no new boys to have crushes on, but each date has been really fun. I have some great friends that take good care of me and let me know I'm still loved.

So all in all, I'm just trying to be more outgoing and positive about life. It's up to me whether I'm happy or not.

Life is only what we make it.

:)

Driven

I'm taking a Preparing for a Celestial Marriage class for institute this semester. I had registered when I was still with Trent. And when school started, I was going to switch classes. I thought it would be too hard to take the class when a wedding isn't in my near future anymore. But I had a feeling I should go and at least see how it would be. And I was glad I did. The first lesson made me realize I need to work on myself before I can expect to share my life with someone else. I need to learn to accept who I am and not let loneliness or the need of love from others determine who I become.

I learned that I am a recipe driven person. I follow a recipe exactly every time and I get the same result. I'm scared of change. I don't like to try new things for fear of it ending badly. This leads to living my life planned by circumstance. I want something, I have it planned out the way I want it to result in, and I live my life to get that result. But living that life won't get me anywhere. It will lead me to possible disappointment. "Those who become great cooks are the ones who have made mistakes, made changes, tried something new, and never gave up." They cook by feel. I've got to feel my way through life.

So, I need to learn to be principle driven. "As you seek spiritual knowledge, search for principles. Carefully separate them from the detail used to explain them. Principles are concentrated truth, packaged for application to a wide variety of circumstances. A true principle makes decisions clear even under the most confusing and compelling circumstances..." I need to be at peace with the circumstances I am in. Don't let the circumstance control me. Don't keep looking down. Look up and trust God.

:)

Pic update

Sorry I've been a little depressing lately. I'm really doing okay. It's just been an emotional couple of weeks. A lot of ups and downs. I'm completely fine and accept things one day and then the next I'm a complete mess. But anyways, I'm not here to go off again on what I'm feeling or thinking because no one wants to read about that anymore. So I figured I'd post some pictures from the break.

Hansen family party. 85 people in my house. I LOVE that family.

We had to celebrate Christmas a little early because it was the year my siblings went with their in-laws.

Cute little Lucy and Gracie playing moms.

My grandparents joined our pre-Christmas party.

Precious family :)

Adorable right?

Christmas Eve dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

We have to wait for everyone to be awake and ready before we are allowed to go upstairs.

He was more interested in sitting on the presents haha

All my dad asked for for Christmas was money to fix up the boat. I think it's boring to just give money, so I turned the money into a boat! :) I thought it was clever.

First picture of 2012. Don't judge haha

Typical Soup :) Happy New Year!

Fireworks downtown.

I love these boys.

Natalie got tickets to the Jazz game from her internship.

It was my first Jazz game ever.

And we sat on the 11th row. That's right. It was legit! But now I don't know if I'll be able to go to another one. It won't be the same with crappier seats! haha

:)

Fitting In

I've been trying to stay positive these last few weeks. And was quite successful until Saturday when I realized the break was over and I had to go back to Logan. I had to go back to a place where even with a boyfriend I felt alone. A place that I've made some friends only to lose them due to marriages or dating someone. A place I complain about and yet still continue to attend school. A place where I've never really fit in because I've always left my heart in Salt Lake. Whether it was with a boy or just my family, it has always been there. But lately, I haven't felt like I fit in in Salt Lake either. I just feel so lost. I hang out with friends but don't feel like part of the group. I was with Trent for so long that it was just always the two of us. Sure we had our friend group that we'd hang out with on occasion. But most of the time, it was just us. And now that he's gone, I don't know what to do. Most of my friends are his friends. Some are the ones I don't feel apart of anymore. Some are all boys and moving on with their lives- dating and actually making new friends at school.

So where does that leave me? Where do I fit in?

I know my last post was about not focusing on the future, but it's so hard when all people do is ask me what my plans are after graduation. I know I said graduating was a good enough plan for me, but it's not. I have no idea where my life is going and I hate it.

People tell me to be happy. To enjoy this last semester. To be outgoing and flirty and meet lots of people. But what is the point? I'll only be here for four more months and then I move back to Salt Lake. But do I become a loser and completely anti-social? Or risk meeting wonderful people only to make it harder in four months? Then what happens after I graduate? I thought I had it planned out perfectly. Graduate and get married and start a whole new chapter in my life. Now I'm only graduating. So I'll move back home with my parents, because I won't be able to afford an apartment. And then I'll start working. And that will be my life. A college graduate, living at home, working every day.

To be honest, I'm scared of that life. As exciting as it will be to graduate, it will still be a big change to have a job and be done with school. And I'm scared of change. At least with the marriage option, I wouldn't be alone to deal with the change. So I guess it all goes back to being alone. Feeling like I don't fit in. And it sucks.

I know I'm being more dramatic than I need to be. I know things will work out. That I really don't need to plan out my life. That I do still have a lot of friends that I fit in with. It's just hard to not feel alone after losing my best friend. Losing that one person that was always there for me.

And I just had to get my feelings out somehow before my mind exploded. So sorry for all the emotional crap I just threw out there. I just needed to vent a little..

two zero one two

I have no idea what to expect in this new year. You can never plan on anything. So I'm just going to live one day at a time and see what life hands me. I've spent too much time lately planning out my future that I've forgotten to concentrate on what's happening now. And since the future I was planning is now gone, I really can stop focusing on my future. All I know is that I'm going to graduate in four months and then start living life as a real adult. And that's a good enough plan for me.

2011 ended on a very different note than I had expected. But luckily I have so many great people in my life that have helped me stay positive through everything. I had a great Christmas with my family and enjoyed catching up with some old friends. And although it didn't end how I wanted it to, I wouldn't regret anything that happened last year. It was a great year filled with so many memories that I will never forget. I've learned and grown a lot because of everything I went through. So yes. It was a good year.

And now I look forward to see what 2012 has in store for me.

:)

Lost

I have lost a lot of things in the past couple of days. 

My appetite which has led to losing at least 5 pounds. A lot of sleep. A lot of tears. A family I thought I'd be a part of. All of these things I've lost because I lost my best friend.. 

I lost Trent.

Trent and I broke up Monday night. It's been a big shock to everyone, and especially to me. A week ago, I had my life planned out with a boy I loved. Now, all I have in my future is graduation and a whole lot of guess work. And I hate it.

I don't even feel like I can begin to explain how it happened. It was so sudden. One little error of communication on Thursday lead to a horrible weekend filled with both of us taking a step back and analyzing our relationship. We had both come to the realization that maybe we weren't right for each other. And then Monday night, we broke up.
We ended things on a good note. It was mutual. We both felt the same way. But that doesn't make it any easier. I try to tell myself it's for the best. It was the right thing to do. That my Heavenly Father has another plan for me. But then I remember that all the plans Trent and I had together are never going to happen. That he is out of my life. That I can't text or call him throughout my day to tell him random little things. That we won't stay up till three in the morning when I become loopy and crazy and we laugh so hard. That I'll never be held or kissed by him again. That I won't be apart of his wonderful family. And I lose it. I break down. And it becomes almost impossible to stay positive.
One thing I can at least be grateful for is that I'm home and can be with my family during this. The family that let's me cry in their arms and tells me things will be ok but that it's alright to be sad right now. The family that brings me a frosty in the middle of the night to comfort me. As hard of a time I've been having, it would've been worse if it weren't for them.

I know things will get better. I've had a broken heart before and it has healed so I know it can and will be healed again. That it just takes time. But it's so hard when what I want is not what is right for me. When I love someone so much but have to say goodbye...
So goodbye Trent. Thanks for everything you've done for me these past six months. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do, cause you deserve the best. You deserve to be happy. You are such a great guy and I will miss you terribly..
Goodbye.

In honor of finals week..

:)